Adios Siillybroad!

Hello new LJ! :)

You know, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him or miss him. Even if I'm hanging out with another dude, I always think of him. I'm really getting sick of this. I'm TRYING to get over him (it's only been, what, almost two years since I left him?). I'm dating, I'm trying to give other dudes a chance, it just isn't really working. I either hate them because they aren't him, or I'm not comfortable enough around them to really open up & be myself.. because they aren't him. It's hard knowing I left him & that this is all my fault. If I hadn't been so stupid, things would be peaches n' fucking cream right now.

I know people say it get's easier & easier with everyday, blah blah blah. Which is true. But when am I going to stop even thinking of him at all? When am I going to stop comparing every dude to him?

You like how quickly I forgive/forget about what an asshole he was recently? Push. Over. I haven't forgotten, he's still a dick, but that doesn't mean I don't miss him. Once again, I am a hopeless romantic, but only when it is truly hopeless. Woe is me.

My day is filled with regret already, and it's only noon.

Actually, I'm going to take back the 'it's all my fault' comment. That's not true. He did PLENTY of things to make me want to leave him. I just wish we could have worked those things out, rather than me just up and splitting. I should have given it more patience.

Soooooooo0o0o0o0o...
I have my interview tomorrow. I hope I get it! If I do, I've decided to move. I'll be making so much more money if I get this, so why not! Where I live is creepy & ghetto now, and I want a fresh start. I'd like to put all the memories I have of this place behind me. Stacie & I are going to get a house together. Just from online research, there's a TON of super super cute retro ones, in decent areas, for CHEAP. We're thinking the old downtown area, kind of by the court house? Those houses are really really cute. God I hope I get this promotion!

In other news ...

I know I was joking about that dude before, but now I'm actually freaked out. It isn't a joke anymore. He keeps calling & texting me. Before, it was like "Meghan please." "Are you okay?" "Please talk to me." Then this morning it was "I can't believe you just up and stopped talking to me. Your (yes, spelled that way. ugh) so fucking heartless and cold." The classic name-calling because you're 'hurt' deal. He left me a voicemail saying he's moving last night (Like I care?) & he wants to give me my stuff. What stuff? You have nothing of mine, psycho! Then! It was "How's the job going?" Like nothing had ever happened!! He's literally crazy. Off his fucking rocker. I know he's going to come in my work & cause a scene. He's already been in there looking for me.

I have never seriously been scared of a dude. ISSUES. Fucking issues. When is this going to end???

Why do people always try & "set me up"? (Sarah, you're excluded. I actually dig the guy you set me up with.) I hate hearing, 'I've got this guy I think you should meet.' or 'I'm with my friend Meghan. She's single & cute dude! Come hang out!' That's flattering, but really? I'm not a 40 year old Lifetime movie addict. I'm totally okay with NOT seeing anyone!

Tony ALWAYS does this. Every time I see him. It's nice I guess, but still. I don't want to be set up! Regardless of what I may write in here, I'm really not on this "quest" to find the perfect dude.

The most pathetic set ups are the mother set ups. When your ma starts setting you up on dates, that really sends a look-at-how-pathetic-your-life-is red flag. I feel like a 37 year old Jewish cat lady. Jesus.

I came back to her house this morning (mine was too far, it was late/early, etc) & she was up for work.

Mom, with crazy curly fire red hair standing 2 feet off her head in every direction: "Where were you missy?"
Me: "I had a date."
Her: "With who!?"
Me: "A boy."
Her: "Duh! Tell me!"
Me: *Sigh* "His name is Ross."
Her: "Ugh."
Me: *blank stare*
Her: "You need to meet Nick. I already told you about him. He's going to be a doctor."
Me: *sigh*

A career is important, and it's good to know there are actually guys out there that have one, but it's not a total deal maker for me. More like deal breaker, I guess, and even then it's case by case really. I don't want to meet someone JUST because of their profession. Especially someone my mom is trying to set me up with. This dude apparently frequents my mom's bar. Yes, that's exactly what I want in a guy. Someone who's bffs with my mom.

Also, I hate the actual 'set up' dates. They're awkward. It's too... planned. "Well, we are supposed to get along and like each other, so let's go ahead & act that way." Eh, no thanks.

Wellllll... it's time for me to go shopping for work. I get paid to go shopping, how sweet is my life? :)

That Joe guy is a fucking joke. He will not leave me alone! This is creepy. I didn't want to be mean before or hurt his feelings. I HATE that. It makes me feel like shit.. for doing what makes me happy. But! However. This one has really crossed the line, so I'm going to tell him exactly what I think of him.

"Dear Pansy Mama's Boy,

Leave me alone. I don't like you. I think it's disgusting how close you are to your mom. I think you have way too many daddy and childhood issues. Attachment issues, perhaps? Repeatedly asking me whether or not I like you isn't going to change the fact that I don't. Continuing to call me is only going to make me despise you more. Your motorcycle is gay. Not cool, not badass - GAY. Your apartment is disgusting. It made me feel like a drug addict. The fact that you couldn't keep it up because you were too "nervous" is ridiculous & a terrible excuse, resulting in terrible sex. Sorry I'm not mommy.

For future reference, if a girl doesn't answer a phone call or text, she probably isn't into you. The exception to this rule is if she doesn't answer within a few hours because she is AT WORK. In that case, there is no need to continuously text her 'I don't know what I did. I guess you're bored of me. Sorry.' Wait a few hours, pal. HOWEVER, if a girl doesn't text you back within a day, please do not continue to text her... for days after. Do not call her. Do not send her myspace letters. Do not leave her voice mails which include you crying. DO NOT GO TO HER WORK.

The fact that you started talking to me about soul mates & told me your mom said we would 'make such beautiful babies' really creeped me out. The fact that you even told your mom about me (including the pathetic excuse for sex we had) creeped me out even more. You and I have hung out maybe 4 times. Please don't tell your mother everything you know about me. Actually, don't tell her anything. Thanks.

Your jokes are not funny. I had to be drunk to hang out with you. Quoting 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia' while we are watching it IS NOT FUNNY. It's annoying as shit & makes me despise you - yes, you guessed it - even more. You have no idea how to cook, and what you made me was vile. I didn't stop eating it because I was hungover, I stopped eating it because I was going to vomit if I continued.

WE ARE NOT THE SAME PERSON. Please never say 'it's like we're the same person!' ever again. Just because we both like Radiohead & It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia does not make us the same person. Also, repeatedly saying that phrase doesn't make us any more of the 'same person', so please just stop.

In case you are confused as to what the point of this letter is, I will sum it up. I do not like you. Do not call me. Do not text me. Do not write me. If you could stay away from my work, that would be much appreciated.

Regards,
Meghan

PS: Wash your hair. "

That's good, right?

Today...

.....

My store manager asked me if I'm interested in being an ASM! !!! :D I'm interviewing with the main guy next week. This is extremely flattering, because there are like 4 positions in between me right now & assistant. I've only been there... what? A month? She told me they don't usually do this, but she was only considering me. It feels good to get recognition for hard work. She knows I know my shit, and believes in me. Nothing could feel more amazing than this!

The pay is considerably more. More than I've ever made in my life! So, so, so stoked. I hope I get this!!

Okay, so there's a reason I don't go downtown anymore. It's called: Keith Richards Jr.

There's this gross, old, disgusting dude that parades around as if he's one of the Rolling Stones. Every time I see him, he literally sobers me up. He's fucking disgusting. At least 32, strung out, wishing he was a rock'n'roller. He preys on the youth that feel as if they aren't accepted by anyone else, and drags them down into his gross disgusting world. Maybe it makes him feel alive, I don't know. I always see him.

He has this roommate, who can't be a day older than me. I'm pretty sure he's younger than I am. For some reason, I feel so bad for this kid. I'm drawn to the potential I see in him. I don't know why I see it, but I do. And it just makes me so fucking sad that he is in this. So. Fucking. Sad. I don't even know this kid. I see this person that was awkward & didn't feel accepted by anyone.. until he met this gross drugged out fucked up dude. All of the sudden - he's worth a damn! He's so cool!

The trick is: the life will be sucked out of him. And he'll wind up being a disgusting deadbeat, just like his hero.

It all makes me sick.

and if it takes a day, i'll wait it for you
and if it takes a week, we'll make it through
and if it takes a month, we'll know it's true.
and if it takes a year, we'll ride it on through.

so let's set the clocks back
and set our watches too
so i can be with you

so lets take a look back.


I've realized something... I've wasted so much of my life on him. I have blown and ruined so many opportunities because of this fantasy I've held on to for so long. So many opportunities. I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason, but still. No longer will I waste my life on you, pal. I'm not answering any of his calls (if he ever calls, which I'm sure he eventually will). I'm saying goodbye, and this time it's for good. I've never really said goodbye in my heart... this time I have. Good luck. Wish you well. I truly hope everything works out for the best. We all have our demons. I'm not an exception by any means. I hope someday he overcomes his, as I will overcome mine.

You can say I'm not a hopeless romantic, but I am. I've been hopelessly attached to this for over 4 years. Hopeless is the perfect word to describe it.

In other less dramatic news, I'm going to Venice. Very exciting :) I need a party week with the gals.

PS; thanks for the steel reserve, dick.

If there's one thing I can't stand... It's a boy that can't stand up for himself. I can't STAND a sissy boy. If I argue with you, I want you to argue back! STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Don't cry about it & act like I'm going to beat you.

Smitten OVER WITH.

I cannot stand someone that constantly needs to be with me or talk to me. I have friends, I have a life, I CANNOT BE SMOTHERED. It drives me insane. That's one of the reasons I broke up with Jake. He was just toooooooo emotionally attached. This guy is even WORSE. They're both Aquarious', go figure. (No offense, Steff, Aquarious girls are better than boys). I just CAN'T be in a smothering relationship. I need my space these days. I've learned to be me, and I NEED to be me... sometimes without you.

And another thing. I don't like kissy-face gross text messages. "I can't wait to kiss you. I'm ready for kisses." Ew. Vomit. I'm more of a "your face is gross, but I GUESS I'll kiss you" kind of gal. I like to poke fun & sometimes my sense of humor is mean! Don't fucking cry about it. Literally. I can't have someone that NEEDS to be with me. I want someone that WANTS to be with me, but is okay on their own as well. I need a challenge! I need the chase. He is really REALLY nice guy, he just has a lot of issues. I'm a patient person when it comes to that, but I don't know if this is just too much for me right now.

God, maybe that asshole really was my one shot at happiness? Shiiit.

I'm smitten :D
Completely & totally smitten right now. This boy is.. amazing!

No guy has ever been so nice to me. No one has ever treated me SO well. We'll hang out, and after I leave we're both texting each other within 15 minutes. It's like.. ahh. I don't know. Spring flings are the best thing known to man ♥

I don't even care about doing anything when I'm with him. We could just lay in bed for hours, or all fucking day for that matter, and I'd be happy.

I can't explain it any other way besides...
I'm so happy.

I met a boy, and I like him. I actually like him. I feel completely myself around him, and that is a very, very good thing now-a-days.

I met him for the first time tonight, so we'll see if he calls or texts me again. I have a feeling he might not, but I'm really really hoping he does. I don't know..

I just like him. I want to have coffee with him. I want to go to dinner with him, have NO wine, and just bullshit.

I like this boy. I'm not afraid of coming off as weird around him.. I already feel totally myself.

Let's hope he calls me! :/

I don't know if he understands how much he really hurts me or not, but it's fucked up.

He fucks with my head over & over & over again. I've done some pretty mean things to boys that I am not proud of, but I have never told anyone they were "the one" unless I really believed it.

He can't keep just popping in and out of my life like this, and then shut me out in the blink of an eye. It tears me up. Make up your mind, pal. Either want to be with me, or stay the fuck out of my life for good. We obviously can't be friends, and I can't handle this anymore. I don't know what he expects from me. I will always love him, nothing is going to change that, but I am not going to sit here & let him do this to me anymore.

Lump is chillin' on my belly, comforting me. Wow, just like old times.

I can't believe how I haven't learned yet.
Really?? I should expect this by now.

Yet, I let these foolish hopeless romantic dreams I have in my head over shadow everything.

All jokes aside, my downstairs neighbor creeps me out.
I really think he is a child molester. Or some type of molester. The fact that I live alone ... does not help!!

I already miss my security guard with the baby crush :(

FAIL: You come home after work, and your ex-boyfriend jokes about watching porn in your room after you refused to sleep with him several times.. BECAUSE HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND.

EPIC FAIL: Putting 'The Notebook' (what, Ryan is my future husband.) in your DVD player two days later to find there really was porn in it.

:(

The new job is going well. I like it! The people there are nice, a lot nicer than I expected to be honest. The only thing I don't like is seeing people I don't want to see shop there. Like today, for instance. This dude comes in.. and immediately I'm like, "Fuck!!" & run behind the purse fixture to try & hide. In this store, there isn't really anywhere you CAN hide, and I don't want to tell management "Uhh, I'll be in the back. Some dude I hung out with once is in the store & I don't want him to see me." They'll think I'm a crazy hobag. There's no real story to this guy, I just met him one night with Sarah (he's friends with her boyfriend), and we all hung out & drank. I didn't see anything to per sue, so I never called him again. He text me a few times, but ehhh. While he's still in the store, it's time for my break. I sneak out & run to the smoke shop. Hahahaha. He fucking TEXTS ME "So, you work at Buffalo now? Why are you trying to avoid me?" Why would you ask that? Hello, if someone is trying to avoid you - TAKE THE HINT. What's up, Osker #2! Where do these dudes come from!? Isn't it embarrassing for them? I'm embarrassed for them! Jesus. I can't make any type of commitment passed hanging out two times. I literally can't, sorry!

In other news.. I'm pretty sure my new downstairs neighbor is a child molester. Here's a few reasons why:

1. He has a creepy chimo look on his face.
2. He has a chimo haircut.
3. He has really bad prison tattoos on his arms (one of them is a playboy bunny).
4. He has a creepy chimo voice.
5. He has a daughter, who is very unkempt, and there are always several children running around the house. I'm pretty sure they belong to the daughter. She has no husband, lives with her dad, is slightly overweight, always has greasy hair, etc. I have my unkempt days, but damn.
6. He smokes Marlboro Red 100's. (this is the biggest indication. If you smoke Red 100's - you're a child molester.)

Also, just because you comment on my tattoos does not mean I need to see yours. If I want to see them, I will ask. I'm not shy about it. If I think you have good work, I'll tell you & then ask who did it. If I have to see one more fucking flaming dice bullshit Vegas tattoo.. I will scream. I can't fake "Oh wow, cool man." much longer. I'm not a complete bitch, but it's about to get ugly.

It's amazing how we won't talk for months, & he can always tell exactly how I'm doing just by the sound of my voice.

I can't tell if I'm extremely irritated or happy. Why... again? I don't like the idea of my emotions being toyed with. I'm fragile! ha

Also, Barnes & Noble fired me today. They were going through my paperwork about a month back to change my benefits, & noticed nobody had called my references when I was hired. This company is really corporate, by the way. So they were saying how they were going to have to, & I was playing it off like "Yeah! Sure! Call away!" Even though I knew I wouldn't get a good one from Zia, I assumed they would just say the standard (legal!) thing, "Not elegible for rehire." Well, the store manager over there likes to run his big fucking smelly mouth, and told HR everything. Even though that's fucking illegal. I thought everything was cool, because this was like a MONTH ago. When I went in yesterday, I was working as per usual (my ass off), doing displays & such, & Deanna my store manager calls me in the back office about half way through my shift. I was so taken back by it, I didn't know what the hell to expect. I had no idea what I had done! She tells me I'm suspended, and damn near cries while doing so. Suspended for lying about why I left my previous job on my application. REALLY? I've been working there almost a year! She says I have to come in tomorrow to find out how HR wants to handle this. Great. As if I didn't already know how they would.

She told me she believes me, and knows I didn't do anything wrong with the company & store, but she has to follow procedures. I immediately started sobbing. This is happening again?? Not only did I go through this once, but AGAIN?? The thing that kills me the most, is I've formed relationships with several of the employees there... and now they're going to all look at me like I'm a thief and a liar. AGAIN. I thought this place was my second chance. Why do I have to keep paying for my mistakes over & over?

Ugggggg. Thank god I got the job at Buffalo.

And REALLY? I bet I don't hear from him for a month. I bet! Cheating bastard. I feel really bad for his girlfriend. I'm glad I can (in my mind) know that he never did any of this shit to me.

Because it was crazy & all over the place.
Here are some key points:

-Rockabilly "gangs" are for faggots.
-I went to Hank III with Stacie, Heather, & her dude Tyler. We had a blast, and hung out with them like little groupies haha. My one & only TRUE groupie experience. It was pretty bad, hahaha. I have a few pictures to post.
-I went to the Quakes, and had a really good time. Until this crazy girl beat up my friend. Fighting = for douchebags.
-Someone showed me this hilarious site, www.manbabies.com, and I'm obsessed with it.

( pictures from Hank III. (warning: I look like pretty shitty!) )

I want to go to the beach so bad. :(

I'm tired of being a fucking convenience. I'm tired of being so nice when people don't deserve it.

I have always done anything for my friends. My mother used to tell me when I was a kid, "I don't know why you turn yourself in for things they did. They wouldn't do that for you. Just rely on yourself."

I used to look at that as cold. I used to think she didn't know what she was talking about, because my friends were my "family". Yeah. The majority of my friends then, and now, wouldn't do half the shit for me that I would do for them. And I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of being a fucking pushover. NO MORE.

I'd rather have no fucking friends than friends that treat me like shit once something better comes along.
No thank you.

i still hope the best for everyone, still believe that they are good people SOMEWHERE in them (even though NO one ever gets to see it), but I am done for a while. I'm done taking care of everyone else, worrying about them, being there for them when they fuck up, EVERYTHING. I'm done. I'm too fucking nice with this shit. Sorry, but handle your own shit from now on.

ANYONE.

I am not a person to befriend anytime soon. I'm pissed :(

But this is pretty damn funny.

( ! )

XD